do not fear...

Be anxious about nothing but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God and He will give you peace...

Do not fear for I am the Lord your God...

These are just two scriptures that have motivated my day...and my night...and this blog...

so...today was good...i mean it was ok...alright it was just a hard day all around. and before i go on, i want to say, that i have debated for a few hours now whether or not to share this but in starting this blog i committed to show you all my heart...my struggles included. so, know this was amazingly hard to write and open up...i normally tell no one of days like these and normally just go on with my life...but it is my hope that someone will be comforted by knowing that there are people who struggle daily but are able to have hope among it all. also, i think it is a bit therapeutic to release the thoughts of the day...so here goes...
for those of you who don't know, let me share my story with you in the real quicklike version...so, my fifth year in college (my senior year), i began having horrible anxiety attacks...and when i say horrible, i mean they felt like i was going to die every time...well, i kinda just played it off and then i was having at least one a day if not more than that. it was miserable. finally, i told my parents i needed some help...so i went to a counselor in mobile. and it was horrible. he said i had to keep having panic attacks in order for them to get better...hmm sounds fun. needless to say, he was entirely anti medication...i told him...please put me on something to get me back to normal so i can function and then i will deal with whatever it is that is causing these...he said no. so, i quit seeing him and just tried to deal with it. i know that my mom and dad were about to die because i would call them daily freaking out...crying...just miserable. so, finally, when i went home for thanksgiving, i went in to the doctor with my parents...i had a major anxiety attack in front of him and he put me on meds immediately. then, i began seeing another counselor, who was wonderful. after the combination of therapy and meds, i was getting back to normal...i was actually able to function. so, long story short, even though my anxiety is under wraps most of the time, i still have days that it is incredibly hard to deal with. so, today was just one of those days...i don't know why...i don't know what triggered it but something did and all day i have just been anxious...
well...i know that anxiety is not of God and that i need to have faith that God will remove this from my life...i know this...but if you understand anxiety, it is a hard thing to just say, "oh, i am not going to freak out." somehow it just doesn't work that easily. well, the difference in me now as opposed to me then is i do have faith i can get through it and i do know that i will be fine at the end of the day...so all day i have just been praying that i will believe that God can heal this part of my life....and i do believe this. so, on a praise note, i humbled myself tonight as i was sitting alone in my apt and fully fell at His feet, saying aloud, "Lord, i know you can heal me, I know that you can take this away. Please remove this from me and make me whole. Blanket me in your love and peace. Keep the devil far from me because i know that he will want to attack...I believe in you God and I believe Your promises You have made to me."
So, after a long, hard day of not knowing why i was anxious, i finally just said...what the heck, i am giving it up and i am not taking it back...it was not a ceiling prayer...you know the kind you pray and they just stay contained under your roof because you grab it back...it was a Heaven prayer...i believe that He can do it.
So, i am good now...my night is peaceful and i am relaxing finally...but i ask this of you...pray that my faith will not waiver...pray that God will heal this part of me...and pray for assurance daily that my life is His and He will take care of me...I am safe in His arms...i need that reassurance!
oh and a follow up...one of my friends got me connected to someone who works with Mountain Top (in the appalaichain mountains) after she read my blog. i am in prayer of what to say to her...but am going to contact her tomorrow. Pray that God will continue to lead me and allow me to continue to be bold about this endeavor. I have never stepped out in faith like this.
on a lighter note, my great aunt sent me a text today...she has been ill and doesn't have a voice so she texted...this is what she wrote "doing better still in even though have not talk to you." i have no clue what she is trying to say and i will text her tomorrow to find out...hahaha i am baffled and amazed that she even knows how to text! hahahaha

oh and i went to my amazing church tonight...and IT ROCKED! i love love love love my church and know that it is where i belong! if any of you want to check it out, it is ecclesia in houston, tx...its pretty much the coolest ever!

so, i am off to bed with this promise from the scriptures...

i will lie down and sleep in peace; for you alone o Lord make me dwell in safety.

love you all...
oh p.s...i will reference those scriptures tomorrow...i just typed them and my Bible is in the car...so will get the reference tomorrow.